[piano playing]
[male voice] Good evening, everybody.
Our guests tonight, it's incredibly exciting to have them both here.
They've been able to take institutions in television, and completely reshape them.
Here, let's do this. I always like to...
I don't mean to direct on you, but let's do this.
Congratulations, Jerry.
- [cameras clicking] - [chuckling]
All that being said, another thing they have in common
is are both here tonight, and I am thrilled.
- You ever been knocked out? - No, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, my guests need no introduction,
but I'll give it to 'em it anyway.
Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman!
[audience cheering]
[applause]
Thanks, Ted.
Hi, Ted. Thank you very much.
- Good to see you. - Thank you.
Hi folks!
Goodnight.
That's all the time we have!
[laughing]
Thank you very much everyone for...
being here or being forced to be here. Either way.
- And thank you, Ted for the... - Dave, thank you.
...junior suite.
[chuckling]
Dave...
you and I...
know each other...
Do you remember when we met?
- Uh... yes. - Was it on your show?
- Or was The Comedy Store? - No. Probably at The Comedy Store.
At The Comedy Store, so that would be '78?
Well, it's like 36 years ago...
- 36 years ago... - Right.
you, I believe, were a guest on my old NBC show.
- Right, so you're saying we did-- - 36 years ago. Isn't that crazy?
That was '82.
I was on, like, the first month, I was one of...
- your first comedians you had on the show. - Right, right.
- That was a big deal at that time. - And then three years ago...
- when I got fired... - Yeah.
You came on and did the same set you had done 36 years ago.
That's right, I did the same set to finish that I did to start.
- That's remarkable. - Yeah.
It was not comfortable...
to do that.
But it seemed like a fun thing to do, so...
And then I saw the special with you sitting in the street
with all of the material you had written...
- Mm-hmm. - In your entire life, plastered all over
- the street where your house was. - Right, yeah.
Now, I've been in show business for a long time.
I know that was not the actual pages of jokes...
- that they... - Well, it was photocopied.
- And then they glued it. - [laughing]
They had to glue it to the street 'cause they would blown away.
Yeah, because a document like that, you don't want on the street.
- Okay. - But, um...
[audience laughing]
the interesting thing I was thinking about when I watch that...
when I'm done preparing...
with written material, I just throw it away.
- I don't want to be reminded of it. - Well, I don't know...
see, but I was building an act. My whole life was...
I want an act.
I want to be able to be a professional comedian.
If you do something that gets a laugh, why would I throw that out?
I should save that...
plus going on your show and Carson,
I was the only guy, by the way, in the early '80s...
that was welcome on your show and Carson.
Usually it was kind of...
there was bit of a wall there.
- You remember that? - No. A schism?
Yes.
[audience chuckling]
I don't think that's the right word. No.
- No, I was... - A barrier, there was a barrier.
A schism would be a disconnect.
What's the difference?
A barrier is not a disconnect.
- A barrier is an impediment. - Right.
So if you were a Carson comic,
you were probably not...
young enough or cool enough for Late Night.
- And vice-versa. - Mm-hmm.
But I, for some reason, was able to go back and forth.
I was always very proud of that in the early days.
And I was very nervous--
[audience applauding]
It's really fun to be with you now and not really care how I'm doing.
[audience laughing]
Because for so many years, it was so important.
- Really? - Oh, God. Are you kidding?
It was terrifying to be on either of those shows.
Those were the only shows, do you remember that?
I know the experience of being with Johnny, certainly.
- Yeah. - It was, if you didn't do well,
they were going to pull your Show Business license,
and you'd be gone.
Yes, it seemed like you would.
Yeah, many people did not come back from a bad experience on that show.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
The thing I wanted to ask you about...
- comedians, and cars and coffee. - Mm-hmm.
[audience applauding]
Wow.
First of all, let's define terms.
Comedian and comic...
used interchangeably but mean two different things.
Kind of different, yeah.
A comedian is a... to me a...
a full-fledged...
not only a monologist, but someone who can really
work a room, work a crowd and has a real act.
A comic...
that, I think, is a notch down. Wouldn't you agree?
- Well, you're assigning value to them. - Yes.
I thought they were two different pursuits.
That a comedian was somebody who would be funny
on stage, in a theatrical production or in film.
Something like that, whereas a comic
would be more like what you've made a career of.
- Oh, no. No, no. - [audience laughing]
You're talking about...
- Well there's... - a comedic actor.
Jackie Gleason was not a comic.
He started out as a comic but he was a great comedic actor.
Ten Danson is a great comedic actor but he's not a comedian.
He has no act to do in Vegas.
[audience laughing]
Which is the objective.
But--
[chuckling]
So you're saying that a comedian, but I don't understand why
there is a judgment assigned to being a comic.
Just because we like judging others,
that's the reason.
But let's go back as long as you're on that subject.
Let's just talk about...
Dave Letterman. So you drive out from Indiana...
The weather thing just ran its course.
You just couldn't do that anymore.
Did you think you would be a stand-up comedian
- when you came to I.A.? - I knew I would have to do it.
I did not want to do it.
I knew I would have to do it.
- Well, that's weird. - Yeah.
- That's really weird. - [audience laughing]
The other question I wanted to ask you
- with relationship your show... - Yeah.
What is the commonality
of these comedians or comics that you talk to?
They all begin with C.
The comedians...
oh, what is the commonality between the comedians?
- Oh, um... - [audience laughing]
they don't really care about anything
but what's funny.
That everything else that they do in life is a difficult
adjustment, management, stretch for their personalities.
And I think I'm talking to a classic example right here.
When you walk out on that stage,
for all those many years,
you just look at home.
Every place else in life,
- you're not quite at home. - Right.
That's right. You're absolutely right.
Now, you know I don't subscribe to the "broken spirit"...
theory of comedy that...
in fact, I heard Tina Fey mention this on your show, the comedians are...
or comedy people are broken people.
You know, I take complete exception to that.
But it doesn't exclude it.
No, that's not it.
I would say it's true of guys who drive bread trucks.
Most of them are broken human beings.
From driving that bread truck all day.
Shout out to the bread truck guys.
[audience laughing]
But I'm trying to figure out what you had in your head...
You drive out to LA. How old were you?
- 28? 26? - 27.
27 and you go on at The Comedy Store.
You have some kind of an act.
What was their plan?
Well, as for everybody else of that time, it was The Tonight Show.
Right.
That's all I wanted to do was get on The Tonight Show and then I thought,
"Once I get onto The Tonight Show, by God, I'll bet they give it to me."
- Right. - [audience laughing]
Which they did.
They did.
That's what was so weird about you.
You know, when I was a kid and I came out to LA,
I would drive up to The Comedy Store and I would look for you...
Leno and Richard Lewis.
I always thought it was weird that it was all "LE" last names.
But if any of you three guys were on,
I would go into the club and I would sit and watch
- you all perform. - Now who were your peers
when you had the association of The Comedy Store.
Who is in that group with you?
Well, I never got into The Comedy Store.
Mitzi Shore did not care for me.
- Did not care for you? - Did not care for me.
And told me, in no uncertain terms to my face.
Suffice it to say that I was non grata at The Comedy Store.
- But it was good for me. - Mm-hmm.
Did you ever have something like that where something really knocked you down
that ended up being a big positive in your life?
Well, we'll see how tonight turns out.
[audience laughing]
This could be it.
This could be the thing that really springboards you forward 'cause it was
- so scarring. - But when...
I can remember, at the at The Comedy Store being,
this is 1975, and...
- thundering up onto the sidewalk... - Mm-hmm.
Just out of control
thundering up onto that apron in front of The Comedy Store
was this big Corvette.
I think it was yellow, and out hops Freddie Prinze.
And Freddie Prinze goes in and he was like 19
- at the time. - Right, right.
And he had his show and he'd been hosting The Tonight Show.
- Right. Yeah, yeah. - And the place exploded.
They had to take a break and he was the biggest thing in comedy.
- Yes. - It was remarkable.
You know, talent is a horse that you just...
find yourself on.
And the extent to which you can learn to ride it
or it guides you or even throws you...
I mean Freddie Prinze is a perfect example of a guy sitting on a stallion,
- but had no clue how to ride it. - Mm-hmm.
And unfortunately it all happened too quickly and he was too young and it was...
and it ended tragically, but that's what I think of
a career, is kind of a rider in a horse.
You trying to control this talent.
You have a talent, you just discover you have this thing.
Now, what do I do with it? How do I make it work?
Now, when you were a...
when you were a kid, was your home...
quiet or noisy?
- Your house. Neither? - Neither, neither. Neither.
My father was very funny, always telling jokes,
but I was not involved with the family.
- Not involved the family? - No, no.
- Now how does that work? - No.
You had a place downtown or what?
[audience laughing]
I felt that my parents were very gracious letting me live there.
I felt like I should go about my business and move on as soon as I could.
- That was how I grew up. Yeah. - Is that right?
I didn't...
we didn't connect socially, the way parents do now with kids.
There was no... they were both orphans.
I don't think they had any idea what to make of us--
Now wait a minute, your mother and father had been orphaned?
Yes, they're both orphans.
- Well, I didn't know that. - Yeah.
I mentioned it in the special you claimed you had watched.
- Oh. - [audience laughing]
You know the Leno joke which I love when he was...
he was doing some press in some town
and they go, "Leno, who claims to have been on The Tonight Show."
So your mother and father were orphaned and meet...
They met at a wedding. They were older, in their forties.
So it was a weird kind of family, you know.
They were... but I gained from them a sense of,
be independent, stand on your own two feet.
Be self-reliant. That's what I got from them.
Having children of your own...
do you apply anything that you learned? Did you--
Sure, you try but none of its applicable.
I do this thing in my act about the...
the gutters of the bowling alleys have these
- bars that come up. - Right, right.
We don't think our kids can handle the gutterball.
Yeah.
Nice preparation for life...
- It'd be too crushing for them. - no gutterballs.
By the way, have you watched bowling on TV here, lately?
- Not lately. Is it good? - Oh, man!
Oh, it's better than ever.
[audience laughing]
- It is everything... - Really?
- You hoped bowling would become. - Oh.
How is it different?
Well, they got... it's two handed. It used to be a one-handed delivery.
And you have your choice of lane. You can have one that's oil,
you can have one that's urethane.
And what used to be a nice gentle hook into the pocket...
- Yeah. - Is now acrobatics.
Really?
Yeah, it's like David Copperfield has done something to the ball.
But that not what I wanted to ask.
[audience laughing]
What are the kids like? Tell me about the kids.
You know what, I'm sick of hearing people on TV talk about their goddamn kids.
It's enough with the kids.
Let's talk about our lives.
Okay, we're having a fantastic lives, you and I.
All I want to know is about your kids
because I don't know anything about raising a child.
So I look to somebody who has more than I do and I think I'll learn something.
What do they do, what do they like to do? Where do you go to vacation?
We go all over the world on vacation, as you might imagine.
To the most fabulous places doing the most wonderful things.
What would you do if you were me?
[audience laughing]
Wow!
But the thing that's great about kids is they don't care what you think is great.
- You... right? - That's right.
But look how great this hotel is. They don't care.
Look at this fantastic car I've got.
It's stupid to them.
Everything you like, they've got to take the other side.
That's the great balancing thing of kids.
They're not impressed with anything you are.
No, because when my son was born,
I was expecting me.
Right.
- And thank God, it's not. - Right.
You were hoping...
as I was to get a small resemblance of yourself...
- Right. - that sit next to you quietly watching TV.
Yeah, and behave exactly
- and enjoy the same things I enjoy. - Right.
- And sounded like me and looked like me. - Right, right.
Didn't work out that way.
Now after high school,
- did you go to college? - I did. I went to two different schools.
I graduated Queens College in New York, very proudly.
Only because no one in my family ever had graduated.
I knew I was going to be a comedian two years before,
but I thought this would be nice for them that I would graduate.
- Same with me. Exactly the same with me. - Really?
Wow, that's interesting.
I was the first person to graduate in my family from college
and that was the big motivator to get it done.
You weren't really fired from CBS, were you?
Is that you're just your joke?
That's a joke line.
Did it get a laugh?
[audience laughing]
- It did get a laugh. - Not much of one.
Were you really ready at that time to go?
I'll tell you something. I wish now...
looking back at my life...
I should have left 10 years ago
because then I could have taken some of that energy and focus and applied it
to actually doing something good for humans.
- Do you know what I mean? - No, I don't because...
I think you could not have done more for humans
than what you did.
[audience laughing]
You think of your career as a self-aggrandizing,
- self-satisfying, self... - Yes, yes.
- Enriching. - Self-enriching, thank you.
...pursuit and if you're any good at it, Mr. Letterman,
you're not that kind of person.
If you were really thinking like that,
you're going to suck and you know that's true.
The people that are good at it...
do it because they know it's making people happy
and that's what's driving them.
[audience applauding]
And that's why you were so great.
You're very generous with your with your praise,
but the same is a description of you.
- More you than me, for God's sake. - Why more than me?
Well, because, you know, I was looking at some stuff.
Rolling Stone said that Seinfeld was the greatest...
- situation comedy of all time. - Oh, David.
- Of all time. - That's a stupid statement, but it's...
that's a nice compliment.
So when you first started doing Late Night, you were...
from the very beginning, I was saying this to somebody the other day
and it applies to no one better than you.
The secret to television like and I think there's some Netflix people here who...
who would...
the secret to television
is the person who gets the opportunity
wants to reform this...
- type of content to them personally. - Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's true.
That's absolutely true. When I started in television,
I used to talk to people on the staff
and it was, "Oh boy, wait till they see this.
This is the thing that television has been waiting for."
- Right. - I can't wait to get out there
and show them what they've been missing all these years.
And then you get out there and you realize,
"Well, no, you're not the Savior you would like to be."
When it gets right down to it, people would pretty much just
rather watch what they've been watching anyway,
so leave us alone.
Yeah. No, well you couldn't be more wrong there.
'Cause you were the savior, you were the guy
who smashed the glass and said, "What if we just did this a whole
different way that I think is funny for no particular reason."
But a lot of that was enforced by The Tonight Show.
They said you can't do this. You can't do that.
- You can't do this... - Right.
So we look around and what we were left with
and thought, "Okay, well, we'll pick up the pieces of
what we can do and we'll try to make a show out of that."
So there's the answer to my earlier question, what was the negative
experience that ended up pushing you forward?
So that's the answer to that.
So that was a great thing.
You put a guy like Larry "Bud" Melman on
and go, "Oh, no, we're gonna do 300 of these."
- This guy is gold. - Yeah.
I'm intrigued about to the nascent days of Seinfeld.
It's the same thing.
Anytime someone would say,
"I think they kind of did something like that on Newhart",
We go, "Forget it."
Forget it. Anything anybody else had touched
it just had to be something weird, something unusual.
And...
here's another interesting part of what we both did, I think, similarly.
We really were, very much wanted to entertain ourselves.
You wanted to do things that you thought were funny.
- And maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. - Let me ask you this.
I was torn in the old days between,
"Do we do that?" Just stuff that I thought was funny,
that may be too bizarre...
- Right. - but still in all, the justification is,
"I wanted to do it and others wanted to do it",
or do we play it safe because we may not want to alienate people.
Now, did you have that argument with yourself on Seinfeld?
No.
No, Larry and I were so good together.
If we both thought something was funny, that was good enough for us.
- That's all you needed. - That's it.
If we could get through those two filters,
and we both think that's funny, I wouldn't even care if it wasn't funny.
Yeah.
Because you can't, there's no time.
As you know, the other thing about television
is the physical challenge of it.
- It's very physically demanding work. - Right.
I I don't even understand how you did that show. I mean...
I should have left ten years earlier.
- What does that accomplish? - Look at me, I'm a broken man.
[audience laughing]
The time goes by at the same rate.
It doesn't matter.
Do you have a point in your life
where you think you would like to not be in show business at all?
The thing about doing something for others is
a version of being in show business because ultimately
it just makes you feel good about yourself.
And being in show business and being able to get an enormous audience
or to be able to get a small audience to applaud and laugh
is so gratifying.
It's endlessly gratifying.
And is the same with the doing something more tangible
for somebody, the feeling you get from doing that is the same.
It's a selfish pursuit, either way.
I couldn't disagree more.
I think it's a generous pursuit..
Both of those things are generous when you're giving something to people
that makes them happy,
this is the best thing we can do in life.
If you find yourself with something, that's good
and you try and go through the hell...
- Yeah, it is. That's right. - Let's be honest, you go through the hell
of trying to turn your sense of humor
into a show or a career.
Sure, it's great for you, but...
you're missing the point if you don't see the good that you've done.
Well, I never quite looked at it like that.
So thank you.
- What I wanted to ask you about was... - Okay.
you are kind of the beacon now.
You are the model, you're the role model,
you're what everybody would like to be.
Who is now basking in that light?
Who else you mean is?
- Can you not hear me? - No, I can't.
- Basking... - Who else is like you?
- Who's following you as the stand up? - A lot of people.
- Like men and women. - Sebastian Maniscalco is out there...
[audience applauding]
Michelle Wolf, who did the Correspondents' Dinner,
- is very dedicated. - [audience cheering]
Now what did you think of that?
You know, I'm very simplistic.
To me, what I love about comedy
is no one has to talk about what happened.
We all felt it and saw it.
[chuckling]
We don't need the critics.
I love when a critic reviews a stand-up comedian.
You want to go, "I've left town already with the money."
[audience laughing]
- I don't care what you think. - Yeah.
Wow!
It is the ultimate democracy.
The laugh is the vote.
We've decided as a group. I don't decide.
- They decide. - Now you raise another interesting point.
One, you don't get bad reviews.
Oh, occasionally. Sure.
- Really? Like what would they say? - Once in a while from a cranky person.
They would say, "I've seen some of these jokes before."
And you can't explain to them, "Yes, that's why I do them."
- Because they work, you know? - Yeah.
Stand-up comedy is also the most mysterious
profession in show business.
It's completely shrouded in mystery of, "how do these people do it?
How do they do it so often,
do it so consistently?"
Only other comedians understand it.
It's like, you know, being a cop or a prostitute.
You can only hang out with other people that do that.
[audience laughing]
- But anyway, Michelle Wolf... may I... - Sure, go ahead.
So, I saw the complete script of what she had done.
And it took me a couple of days to kind of consider what this had been.
- Right. - Because you heard,
from certain elements, outrage, just outrage.
Just, oh my God, she set fire to the...
the grass fire and we'll never put it out.
And then, the more I got to thinking about it, I thought,
- "Wow, that was great." - Right.
Because, it just, whatever the reaction...
there's no damage, and she had the guts to stand up there
and didn't apologize where, you know, everybody is apologizing for everything.
So whether you liked it or not, I really had great admiration
for the fact that she was able to just walk into that room
and decimate the place.
[audience applauding]
- But you know her? - No, I don't know her.
I've just seen her on TV, but everybody talks about
how dedicated, that she's out every night, working on her stuff
and those are the kind of people I really like.
- Do you do Trump stuff when you go out? - No, doesn't interest me.
I do a lot of raisin stuff.
[audience laughing]
Of what?
Raisins, I have a lot of raisin material.
Because you know, you have the Sun Maid company...
[audience laughing]
- And then you have the Raisinets people. - Yeah, that's right.
And you're going to go with the Sun Maid people.
Well, I just think it's interesting that after 80 years,
Sun Maid finally went, "Hey, why don't we put some chocolate on it?"
Like imagine not thinking of that for 80 years.
Somebody from Sun Maid must have been at a movie theater...
and gone, "Hmm, Raisinets, that's interesting.
That seems to be a raisin product similar to what we do.
- But so much more popular." - Yeah.
"One can't help but wonder.
What is it that distinguishes what they are making?"
- It just goes on from there. - It goes on? Oh, it goes on.
- Oh, there's more. - Yeah.
And so I'm working on this bit one night
at Gotham Comedy Club in New York on 23rd Street.
[audience cheering]
And, you know, when you start at any bit
and you know this well,
you start any idea that you have is funny, the first thing you think is
"Well, that'll never work. That's stupid, that's ridiculous."
Then you say it and you hear a reaction. They laugh and you go,
"Oh, well, maybe there's something there."
So I'm working on this bit one night at Gotham
and I'm going on and on about raisins and it's just going nowhere.
- Going on and on about raisins. - Yeah. Yeah.
And then, like 10 minutes later...
I was talking about something else, I don't know what it was,
and somebody in the audience yelled out,
"More raisin stuff!"
[audience laughing]
David, there is nothing in my life better than that moment,
that someone wants to hear more raisin stuff.
And that's when, that's the tug on the line when you're fishing.
- You go, "I got something." - That's right.
Do you mind if I bring up something that we
- brushed on a minute ago? - Sure.
Martinizing.
Nobody knows what it is.
It used to be and maybe still is, a dry cleaning process.
- Yes. That's right. - That's all I know about it.
And you did a joke or a piece about martinizing.
A lot of comedians did because we figured it must be a guy named Martin
who's looking for some recognition and he works in dry cleaning.
I used to think it was they put it in plastic
and give it right back to you.
That's what martinizing was. That was my martinizing joke.
You can have it in an hour or you can have it right now, if you want.
You don't even need to wait the hour.
We're just gonna give it right back to you.
[audience laughing]
I was seduced by the martinizing as well.
And my old friend,
a guy you knew, George Miller, would be on me...
Yes, God bless George Miller.
...would be on me. He said, "That's the worst joke
I have ever heard anybody tell."
And my joke, 'cause I don't know.
- I don't know what I'm doing. - Right.
And I just said, "What's the deal with this martinizing?"
You know, there's your universal setup.
That's it?
- That's the setup, Jerry. - Okay, go ahead.
So I take it in there and I said,
"Can you have this martinized?" And the guy says, "Sure."
And I turned to go out and I hear him say,
"Hey, Marty."
- That was the joke. - That's not bad.
- No, it's awful. It's god awful. - I don't think it's awful.
But it was all I had, really.
So I'm really being serious now,
but did you know that you wanted to change television?
- Oh, please. - What?
That's a legitimate question for a guy like you.
Or did you just do it for the hell of it
because you were bored and couldn't think of anything else?
First of all, I wanted to be on television.
That was easy. That was the easy part.
When I was 18, 19, wanted to be on television.
Didn't know how you got on television.
- Right. - Then later when I got out of college,
I was watching TV and I figured out, "Oh, here's how you get on television."
You go to Los Angeles, you go to The Comedy Store,
people come in from The Tonight Show and see you at The Comedy Store
and they put you on The Tonight Show.
- I see. - So I had that figured out.
So, with regard to changing it...
- No, I didn't change it. No, I thought... - Really?
Wait 'til they get the real funny stuff
that they've been missing that I'm going to bring out from Indiana.
[audience laughing]
What do you weigh?
[audience laughing]
170.
- 171. - [audience member applauds]
- What are you? - Someone's applauding 170.
Like to get a door prize.
"If you match Jerry's weight, you're going home with a lamp."
[audience laughing]
Do you still like skiing?
- Are you still a big skiier? - I like to ski, yeah.
- So when you get on... you mentioned-- - You ski, right?
I ski if I have to.
- Really? - Yeah.
The family likes to ski, I go along with them.
So when you're on these... and you go by yourself sometimes, I believe.
- Yeah. - I find that very interesting.
Dave Letterman by himself... skiing.
So you get on the chair lift and you're sitting next to a person...
and they say, "So what do you do?
- What what do you say? - Sales.
[audience laughing]
And that shuts it right down?
- No, it doesn't shut it right down. - Yeah.
Then you're off and running.
Do you like meeting people like that?
Yeah, I do.
Because if you're not on a high-speed lift, you know,
it could be days before you get to your destination.
And a reasonable conversation is enjoyable.
What was your favorite candy when you were a kid?
Was and still is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
[audience cheering]
[audience laughing]
- You? - Um...
Raisinets.
[audience laughing]
When somebody says, "I don't know, I think that's a little too Jewish."
What do you think they mean by that?
I can't speak to that.
- I've never said that. - It's a funny uncomfortable moment.
- You read Steve Martin's Born Standing Up? - Oh, love that book.
- Love that book. - The amount of
calculation and work and effort and brain power that that man put into his career
makes me wither because all I did was show up and...
"I'm from Indiana, anybody here from Indiana?"
- That was what I did. - That's just a ridiculous statement.
It's ridiculous.
You did 30 years of culturally...
- changing television. Why? - Stop it. Please stop saying that.
Why lie?
- Because it's not true. - It's not true?
Okay, then who did it? Merv?
- Did Merv change the world? - [audience laughing]
It was damn good.
- But see... - You changed television.
I'm not gonna say for the better, by the way.
- Alright. I'll accept it. - I'm not gonna say for the better.
- I set the bar low. Yeah, I know. - Because the pale imitations...
the pale imitations that people do,
of the stuff you did,
- is frankly torturous. - Yeah, I know.
What do you do for exercise these days? Do any exercise?
I'm in the gym 7, 8 hours a day.
[laughing]
I went to see the Cincinnati Reds play.
- That was my boyhood team. - Right.
There's a Joey Votto. Are you familiar with this guy?
- Sure, I know Joey Votto. First baseman. - Tremendous player.
The stadium is packed and it's just about this quiet.
So Joey Votto comes over to where the batter's box...
the on-deck circle used to be.
And so he's standing there and he's swinging the lead bat and says,
"This will be my last bat." He saying this to us.
We're in the stands and we said, "Oh, okay Joey.
Well, good luck."
And he said, "I just wanted to thank you for coming to the game."
I thought that was the nicest thing.
Why is he saying thanks for coming?
That's 'cause he's a nice man.
- Has that ever happened to you? - Yes, it has.
- Really? - With Joey Votto.
I'm not lying.
I'm not lying. I was at a Dodger game, like a month ago
and Joey Votto...
- You think I'm making this up? I'm not. - Yes. Yes.
I am not.
George, you were there.
And Joey Votto was standing on first base, and he has these great seats...
show business.
And Joey Votto turns to me and he goes, "Hey Jerry, how you doing?"
And I just got so... I just leaped out of my skin, I was so excited.
- Joey Votto knows who I am. - Yeah, yeah.
But it was different.
Now I don't want to diminish your little adventure.
[audience laughing]
But he is standing there...
- the game is in progress... - Yeah.
- He's got the weighted bat... - Yeah.
and it's like, "Oh, be sure to get your coat
and thank you for coming over and we had a lovely evening
- Because it's you, though. - No, it's not me...
You think he goes down the first base line
and says, "Thank you and you were great, too.
Appreciate all your cheering."
- You're Dave Letterman, you idiot. - But baseball...
[audience laughing, applauding]
But baseball players are not supposed to be thanking the crowd for coming.
No, but it was a nice moment.
I think it's very nice.
What do you think about this MyPillow guy trying to sell pillows?
- [audience laughing] - That we...
- Would you try that pillow? - Yeah, I would.
- This guy seems to think-- - I'll try that pillows because
- two presidents have used those pillows. - That's right.
Is he more annoying or less annoying than the UNTUCKit shirt guy?
Yeah.
'Cause I know you have a thing about him. You don't care for that guy.
- Yeah. He's... - I don't either.
With that smug look walking down from SoHo.
One of his biggest problems in life was,
"Where do I find a shirt that looks good untucked?"
- Yeah, because I'm 12 pounds overweight. - Yeah.
That's all UNTUCKit is, "I can't tuck my shirt in and I'm fat."
Too many Raisinets.
[audience laughing]
I'm also very interested in Flex Seal. Have you ever seen that on TV?
My son likes it when the guy cuts the boat and a half.
- Yeah, I love that. - Oh, he loves it.
Yeah, and then, he gets out and he's driving around in the boat
and he has to add, "Ya-hoo!"
Proof positive that the Flex Seal is keeping him from drowning.
I got seven minutes on Flex Seal.
Do you remember, I once sent you a present and it was a waterproofing...
- a kit. - Mm-hmm.
- Do you remember this? - No.
A lot of that stuff gets screened out.
[audience laughing]
Because of all the chemicals.
Yeah, yeah. A lot of stuff didn't come up to the 12th floor.
Right.
- Let's talk about your cars. - Okay.
Because not only are you a collector of cars, you're an aficionado.
By the way, I was watching the Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee
and I thought to myself two things. One...
if they said you had to cut the budget,
would it be the cars or the coffee?
So what do you want to know about cars?
- Oh! Well... - Just why, why we...
- I just love... - Did your...
I think people have kind of missed out on...
these were some beautiful, interesting objects that no longer fill the world.
The cars out on the street now are very boring to look at.
And I miss that and so that was kind of something I wanted to do.
Go, "Hey, remember when it was fun to look at cars?"
- Well yeah, you would know every fall... - Yeah.
the three companies would be introducing their new cars
and you would go to the car show and you would see them.
And I had a fondness for the cars right after the war.
When was the Second World War was finished,
and you'd see the new Pontiacs, new Dodges, new Chevrolets,
whatever, and then when you look at them today,
they're lovely, quite lovely.
Harry and I talked about this all the time driving anywhere.
You either get a white box or a black box
and maybe it's an oblong box, maybe it's a square box.
But that's it for cars.
What kind of car you driving these days?
A rental.
[audience laughing]
Picked it up at the airport.
Do you go out of your apartment and wander the streets of New York?
Is it because I look like a vagrant?
No, I love to just go out and walk around.
No, you can't go anywhere.
- I cant? I see. - No.
I mean, is it,"Oh my God, look who's out wandering around!"
So what?
You think I want to stay in my house because of that?
I'm not. I go where I want, I do what I want.
People don't bother you.
In New York, do you find that people are annoying on the street?
No, they're not annoying. They're very nice.
So give me your day.
I want the day. I want the Dave day.
Everybody wants to know
- what time you get up. - [audience applauding]
What do you eat when you get up?
That's what I want to know.
Well, like today,
- I got up at 5:30 - Right.
[audience laughing]
I should start writing this shit down.
Oh, really?
Here's a conversation you and I had.
You and I were sitting in Santa Monica,
when you first brought me out there to show me your stuff,
I was just starting to do the TV series and I was really struggling, saying,
"We're really not getting a lot of support from our writing staff.
A lot of people that are supposed to be
these high-end comedy writers are not that good.
And you said to me,
"Wouldn't it be weirder if they were?"
If they could all just write reams of hilarious stuff.
[laughing]
What does that even mean?
- That it's just a hard thing to do. - Yeah, that's right.
And it shouldn't not be hard is what you meant.
And that was a great lesson to me at that time.
I shouldn't be upset about that. That's just the way it is
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Do you watch any TV today?
- What do you watch? Yeah. - Baseball. I watch baseball.
- Now what about Portlandia... - Oh, I love that show.
That's really my favorite.
I love Fred Armisen.
Have you ever seen Fred on YouTube
do like... he'll do Texas.
He'll go, "Here's how they talk in Corpus Christi,
here's how they talk in Houston,
here's how they talk in Dallas"
- He can do it. You ever seen him do this? - No.
Oh, it's fantastic, YouTube it.
- Really funny. - Yeah.
All right. Well...
[audience laughing]
Please...
Now wait a minute, are we done?
I haven't got anything else.
- Yeah, that's been apparent. - Yeah.
[laughing]
I didn't have anything to begin with.
- [audience cheering] - Thank you very much.
I don't know what that was. Do you?
- That was our big finish. - That was a big finish.
Drive safely everyone.
May all your favorite bands stay together.
[audience applauding]